Some conversations need to happen one on one
Sometimes situations require private conversations. As you are dealing with character issues within the healthy boundaries of accountability, authenticity and confidentiality, certain character red flags may start to appear. You may become concerned about the health of a marriage or a bad habit that keeps resurfacing. Maybe you sense some latent anger or resentment building.
In healthy groups, unredeemed character qualities rise to the surface like waste in a refinery fire. It’s your responsibility, as the group leader, to deal with those issues when they surface. Most often, it’s not good to call out a person on issues like this during group time. These challenges require private conversations.
Once I asked a guy in my group to meet for lunch. Over a meal, I shared my concerns about the stresses on the marriage he had mentioned in the group. In that private, one-on-one conversation, he was able to really bear his heart about his situation at home. Not all of your ministry will happen in the confines of your group time. In fact, much of the real ministry happens offline as you get together between group meetings.
Jesus showed us how to restore with grace and truth
Jesus understood that character issues are best handled one on one. Peter had just committed an epic character failure. Just hours before, he had pledged to defend Jesus to the death, but when the heat was on and he was asked point blank if he was a follower of Christ, he folded like a deck of cards. Immediately the rooster crowed, and Peter was reminded of Jesus’ words, “…Truly, truly, I say to you, the rooster will not crow till you have denied me three times,” (John 13.38 ESV).
Peter walked away in shame that night. It was a failure he felt branded him for life. But after the resurrection of Jesus, Peter had a one-on-one encounter with Christ that reinstated him as the leader of the new Christian movement.
When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Feed my lambs.” He said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Tend my sheep.” He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, “Do you love me?” and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep. Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go.” (This he said to show by what kind of death he was to glorify God.) And after saying this he said to him, “Follow me,” (John 21.15-19 ESV).
Jesus addressed Peter’s heart, not just his failure
I love the tenderness of Jesus in this face-to-face meeting. Jesus could have said, “Peter, when you denied Me, that really hurt. I’m so disappointed in you. I’m not sure you have what it takes to lead this movement.” He could have shamed Peter, embarrassed Peter or even removed Peter from any significant part in the Kingdom – but He didn’t! He dealt with Peter’s failure in the way He deals with our failure; full of grace and truth. Jesus cut to the heart of the issue – Peter’s love for Him. Jesus asked Peter the same question three times, “Peter do you love Me?”
The word Jesus used for “love” is the Greek word agape, meaning a “selfless, God-like love.” Peter’s answer was “Yes, Lord. You know I love You.” The word Peter chose for love was not agape but phileo, meaning “a deep friendship” (the same words we see in Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love).
In a sense, Jesus was asking, “Peter do you love Me selflessly? Do you love Me with all your heart like I love you?” Peter wasn’t sure how to respond. He loved Jesus like a brother, but his love for Jesus had plenty of room to grow. We are the same way. We love Jesus, but we don’t love Him the way He loves us. Our love for Jesus has room to grow too.
In this private conversation, Jesus gave Peter the opportunity to reaffirm his love for Him – three times: one for every denial that had come from Peter’s mouth.
Your job is to help them take the next step toward healing
As a leader investing in people, you will experience times when people disappoint you. You will discover areas of sin that have a foothold in the lives of those you love and are trying to lead. The best way to handle these challenges is to do what Jesus did – get alone with them and deal with these issues privately. You might ask, “What do I say when we get together?” The answer is simple: be honest. Share your observations. Tell them how concerned you are for them. Ask good questions. Listen intently. Look for the root of the problem.
If the issues are deeper than what you think you can handle, then seek out the advice of a Pastor or Christian Counselor. You don’t have to fix every problem. That’s not your job! Jesus is ultimately, the only one who can heal wounds of the past and break the bonds of addiction or anger. Your job is to help the person deal with the character challenges in their life and take the next step toward healing. You can do that. As you meet with them one on one and pray for God’s direction, you will be helping that person find the true freedom that only comes from Jesus.
This blog features an excerpt from one of our books, Invest In A Few.
